Texting My Ex's Dead Number

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[Mexican tacos at the corner, $8.]

[Texas scratch-offs, won $200.]

[Tipped the male stripper, 0-0,000.]

After my ex blocked me, I started using our dead iMessage thread as a personal expense tracker. I never expected a new text bubble to suddenly pop up.

[HOW MUCH?!]

Me:

[One. Thousand. Bucks.]

My phone vibrated violently in my palm as his rapid-fire replies bombarded the screen.

[Piper, what about all those years you got my body for free?!]

[If you are paying them, why not me?!]

Chapter 1

Figuring we could still be friends after the breakup, I sent Declan a Happy Birthday text. I did not realize until I hit send that he had already blocked my number. I stared at the red exclamation mark next to the undelivered message, my mind spinning.

Not long ago, I was secretly scrolling through TikTok, watching a few videos of shirtless, muscular guys dancing, and he threw an absolute fit.

"If you love looking at them so much, then let's break up!"

Did he ever stop to think? If he did not wrap himself up like a nun every single night and actually let me touch those sexy eight-pack abs of his, would I even need to go online for a fix?

And he actually had the nerve to threaten me with a breakup. Men. That damn dramatic.

The moment I agreed to split, Declan's eyes went bloodshot. He packed his bags and moved out that very same night. He walked away, his broad shoulders stiff, dragging his suitcase into the night.

I did not beg him to stay. I grabbed the massive teddy bear he had won for me at the amusement park and chucked it straight out the second-story window. "Get out!" I yelled. "And don't ever come back!"

Later, when I ran downstairs to check, I saw he had picked up the bear and taken it with him. He did not leave a single trace of himself behind. He must have truly hated my guts to block my number like that.

Whatever. Good riddance. Let's just live our own separate lives.

I pinned our dead chat to the top of my messages. It had a brand-new purpose now.

[Mexican tacos at the corner, $8.]

[March 25th, period started.]

[Scratch-offs, lost $30.]

[Texas scratch-offs, won $200.]

Just keeping a simple expense tracker. Living alone was actually a bit lonely, so I had to scroll through even more thirsty TikTok videos for comfort.

After I turned down my best friend Margot's shopping invitations multiple times, she barged straight into my apartment. Margot crossed her arms, tapping her foot against the floorboards.

"Piper, can you stop acting like a miserable widow dying over a man? There are so many incredibly hot guys out in this world! Whether you want a mature Wall Street silver fox or a young, energetic quarterback, we can find one for you!"

I blinked my groggy eyes open and dragged myself up from the sofa, pushing aside empty pizza boxes and piles of dirty laundry. "I am not dying over a man."

"Like hell you aren't!" She jabbed a finger at the empty potato chip bags and instant ramen cups cluttering the coffee table. Then, she shoved a hand mirror right in front of my face.

"Look at yourself! You look like a damn ghost. Is it really worth trashing yourself like this over a guy?"

I stared into the mirror and weakly ran my fingers through my tangled hair. Yeah, okay. I did look like something out of a horror movie. But the truth was, I had just gotten overly obsessed with playing Call of Duty.

I had my headset on and gamed straight through the night. I had only slept for half an hour before she woke me up. Of course I looked like garbage. But no matter how I explained it, she did not buy a single word.

"I won't believe you unless you come to the club with me right now to check out some hot guys!"

"Deal!" Now that woke me up.

The club throbbed with deafening, heavy bass. Dazzling, multi-colored laser lights swept across the packed dance floor, and the air was thick with the scent of cheap tequila and raging hormones.

"There's a couple of cute ones over there." Margot grabbed my wrist and dragged me deep into the crushing crowd. We pushed our way right next to the two hot guys. She shot me a meaningful look.

I gave her an 'I got this' look in return. We staked out our spots beside them and started dancing to the beat.

We swayed. We dropped it low. We grinded to the music.

Halfway through, I made eye contact with a ripped guy with a buzz cut. He held his drink and flashed me a wicked half-smirk.

Jackpot. I claimed this one. Margot could have the other.

I was just about to step closer and ask for his Snapchat, when I suddenly saw the other hot guy slip his hand under Buzz Cut's shirt and grope his bare abs.

Chapter 2

The guy's knuckles pushed up against the fabric of the shirt, sliding back and forth underneath. He even shot me a provocative, mocking glare. Holy shit!

My eyes widened, reflecting the neon lights of the club. I whipped my head around to look at Margot. She looked like she had just swallowed a fly.

"No wonder I can never find a boyfriend. All the hot guys are dating each other," Margot grumbled, grabbing her drink and downing it in one massive gulp. It was obvious she had taken a massive hit to her ego.

I patted her shoulder. "It's just a guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Older, younger, we can find whatever you want."

I did not expect her voice to crack and echo over the heavy bass.

"Last time, I hit on a hot guy at a Thanksgiving family gathering, only to find out he was my distant cousin! The time before that, I stopped a six-foot-tall cutie on the street for his Snapchat, and he pulled out the kids' smartwatch his mom had just bought him!"

"And now, I finally find another one, and he's gay! Why is my life so miserable?! Ahhh!" She wrapped both arms around the tequila bottle and started chugging.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel sorry for her. But more than pity, I just wanted to drag her out of her misery. I leaned in close to her ear. "Want me to find you a smoking hot male stripper?"

She pouted, her makeup slightly smudged. "What good is a stripper? Can a stripper heal my broken heart?"

"Just answer the question. Yes or no?"

"Yes!"

I waved my hand and directly ordered the club's top-tier, most expensive golden boy dancer. "My best friend just got her heart broken. Make her happy," I ordered.

He really lived up to his price tag. Not only was he insanely gorgeous, but he knew exactly how to deliver the right emotional payoff.

In no time, he had Margot giggling and beaming. But people tend to get reckless when they're drunk. Margot actually started getting handsy with him.

The dancer frowned, leaning back slightly. "Hey gorgeous, we only offer drinking companionship."

Margot immediately whipped her head around and stared at me with big, teary, puppy-dog eyes. She looked like she was silently complaining that she was being bullied again.

What else could I do? She was my best friend. I had to spoil her.

I slapped my hand on the table like a total boss. "Add more to the tab!"

I dropped a whole thousand bucks tonight. Not only did it get my best friend VIP access to feel up those hot, rock-hard eight-pack abs, but she also scored his Snapchat. I winced at the dent in my bank account as I finally got home.

The first thing I did was pull out my phone, open Declan's chat window, and type:

[Tipped the male stripper, 0-0,000.]

I was so tired I didn't even notice that the usual 'message undelivered' system alert never popped up. I had absolutely no idea that, at that exact moment, Declan was live streaming.

When he tried to log into his gaming account and got a 'password incorrect' error, his viewers immediately started spamming the chat, telling him he'd been hacked and urging him to recover his password.

Declan frowned slightly, staring at his monitor. "It's linked to my ex-girlfriend's phone number."

The viewers in his Twitch chat instantly went wild. The comments scrolled at warp speed, everyone eating up the drama and fanning the flames.

[Whoa, when did our boss Declan get a girlfriend? Did she dump you, or did you dump her?]

[Did you do her dirty? Is that why she changed your gaming password after the breakup?]

[Just ask her for the account back! What, are you scared of her?]

Egged on by thousands of viewers, Declan immediately pulled up iMessage on his phone. "I'm going to take her off the blocked list first," he muttered into the mic.

A new message popped up on his screen.

[Tipped the male stripper, 0-0,000.]

I stepped out of the shower just in time to hear my phone buzzing non-stop on the counter. I tapped the screen and saw an all-too-familiar profile picture.

Declan:

[HOW MUCH?!]

[I am asking you one more time. HOW MUCH?!]

[Don't play dead. Answer me right now!]

[Don't push me! I swear to god, if you push me, I am capable of anything!]

Uh Why did he suddenly unblock me? And out of all the moments, why did it have to be the exact second I sent the text about tipping a stripper a thousand bucks?

Chapter 3

I hesitated for a second before typing out the exact amount:

[One. Thousand. Bucks.]

A full sixty-second voice memo instantly popped up from him.

"Why?!" His voice blasted through the speaker.

"Tell me why! Have you ever spent that much money on me?! Am I just some worthless piece of trash to you?!"

"We literally just broke up, and you go looking for a stripper?! A stripper, Piper?! What did you take me for?!"

"Do you even have a heart?!" His voice cracked halfway through, followed by a sharp, ragged intake of breath.

My chest tightened. But then, I remembered how ridiculously high and mighty he always acted. No one would ever believe it. Declan and I lived together for two whole months, and I never even got to kiss him.

There were two blankets on the king-sized bed. One for him, one for me. An impassable national border seemed to stretch right down the middle, dividing the territory perfectly.

At night, I'd purposely kick my blanket off and wrap my arms and legs around him like a koala. But no. He would just roll over, peel me off, stuff me back under his blanket, and tuck the edges in tighter than a burrito.

Later, I tried whining about being freezing in the middle of the night, burying my face into his chest. He actually got out of bed, rummaged through the closet for ages, and pulled something out like he had just found hidden treasure.

"See? I knew we had an extra comforter. You shouldn't be cold anymore."

Even the priest at the local church wasn't as celibate as this guy. And after all that, he still had the nerve to blame me for scrolling through thirsty TikToks?

If I didn't watch those videos, my hormones would have flatlined. Thinking about all that, I dug my nails into my palms. Any trace of sympathy instantly evaporated.

[Because he is the club's ultimate cash cow.]

[Because he looks like a Marvel leading man!]

[What do you have to compare with him? Not only does he know how to make a girl happy, but he lets you touch his eight-pack abs all you want. I actually think one thousand bucks was too cheap! Next time I go, I'm booking him for the entire night!]

The chat stayed silent for a long time. Then, the typing bubble appeared, like he had finally made up his mind.

[You think I can't compare to them? If they can do it, so can I!]

[Just you wait!]

Right at that moment, my younger brother Chase, who hadn't contacted me in ages, suddenly sent a late-night check-in on iMessage.

Chase:

[Piper, do you know Declan?!]

[His ex-girlfriend has the exact same profile picture as you! Please don't tell me it's actually you!]

[He is a literal god in the e-sports world. I would raise both hands in absolute approval if he became my brother-in-law!]

I tossed the question right back:

[Would you believe me if I told you the truth?]

Chase:

[No way! How could you possibly know Declan? You stutter when you talk to guys, let alone order some male stripper. Ugh, if you could actually find me a brother-in-law like him, I'd wake up laughing from my dreams!]

All I could say was that I did have one, but I never gave him the chance to laugh. Thanks to Chase's rapid-fire texts, I finally pieced together what had just happened.

Bad news: The entire internet now knew about my stripper escapade. Good news: They still didn't know who I was. Another piece of bad news: Declan was currently live streaming as he drove straight toward my apartment.

I tapped into Declan's Twitch stream. The background was pitch black. Declan's hands gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were white, his jaw clenched hard enough to snap steel. The chat box was scrolling so fast it was a blur.

[My heart is pounding! The boss is going to hunt down his ex!]

[After the breakup, my ex stole my gaming account. This time, I will take back what is rightfully mine.]

[I'm not just here for the drama. I genuinely need Declan to ask his ex where she found that thousand-dollar stripper.]

Declan kept his eyes locked on the road, completely ignoring his viewers. But the internet was throwing a massive party in his chat. More people caught wind of the drama and flooded in. The viewer count skyrocketed.

I was still debating whether I should grab a bag and flee the state. The street outside was dead quiet, swallowed by the heavy, suffocating darkness of the night. Then, the low, aggressive growl of an engine shattered the silence.

I bolted to the window. It was Declan's car. How did he get here so fast?!

My pulse hammered against my ribs, palms instantly slick with cold sweat. I scrambled across the living room and slapped the light switch.

Pitch black. Pretend no one is home. Silence dragged out for agonizing seconds.

Then, a sharp metallic click. Someone was twisting my doorknob.

Chapter 4

Thank god I locked the door earlier. I watched his handsome, infuriated face on the screen, secretly relishing the chaos.

"Piper! Open the door!"

My iMessage pinged again.

Chase:

[Piper! It really is you!]

[???]

Was he out of his damn mind? Bringing thousands of viewers to my doorstepwhat exactly was his endgame? I threw on a medical mask and yanked the door wide open.

Declan's hand hung suspended in mid-air, a millimeter away from slapping me square in the face. He awkwardly pulled it back, shoved both hands deep into his jacket pockets, and pretended like nothing happened.

"You're home!"

Viewers in the chat absolutely lost their minds.

[Boss Declan, where is your backbone?! Show some dominance!]

[Don't wimp out now, man up!]

[I think I know why he is streaming this. He literally needed us for moral support!]

[Turn the camera! Let us see what kind of goddess this ex-girlfriend is.]

I lowered my gaze to the massive Rimowa suitcase by his feet. A Super Mario plushie sat perfectly upright on top of it. What, was he moving his whole life back in?

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him coldly. "What are you banging on the door for? It's the middle of the night. Do you want to attract the cops?"

Declan's Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. "You changed my Twitch account password?" his voice came out dry and tight.

"Yeah. So?"

He clenched his fists, jaw ticking tight. "Fine, you changed it. Couldn't you just play your games in peace? Why did you have to go look for a stripper?"

I kept my face entirely blank. "Because I wanted to."

He ran a hand aggressively through his hair, looking like he wanted to punch a wall but didn't know which one to pick.

"Do you need anything else? If not, go back home." I made a move to slam the door in his face, but Declan's broad shoulders fiercely shoved the gap open.

His towering frame forcefully squeezed right in. Total breakdown.

"What is so great about a stripper?!" he demanded. "How do I not measure up to them?! Am I not as good-looking as them?!"

"Did I not make you happy?! Do I not have an eight-pack?! If you can pay them, why not me?!"

He unzipped his suitcase and violently shook his clothes out, shoving them haphazardly into my closet like he was setting up a permanent camp.

I leaned against the doorframe, watching him storm back and forth between the living room and the bedroom. "You sure you can handle this?" I asked, feigning casual curiosity.

"Yes!"

"Handle what exactly?"

He lifted his chin, staring dead into my eyes.

I picked up an apple from the counter and took a huge, crunchy bite. "Then go take a shower right now."

Declan froze in his tracks. Slowly, he pulled out a set of pajamas.

"Leave the clothes!"

[Holy shit, holy shit, am I allowed to watch this for free?!]

[Sometimes not seeing the picture is even hotter.]

[If all gaming streamers start doing this, I am fully subscribing.]

The entire phone screen was instantly swallowed by flashing digital gift animations. Right when the viewers reached peak frenzy, I spoke from off-camera.

"That is all for today's stream. Goodnight, everyone." I ruthlessly cut the stream, staring at the frosted glass door of the bathroom as I continued munching on my apple.

After what felt like an eternity, the water finally stopped running.

I tossed the apple core with perfect precision into the trash can, wiped my mouth, and stared directly at the bathroom door without blinking