The Sixth Pause, My Mechanical Heart Shattered

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When I was ten, I took a bullet to the heart from a kidnapper to protect the boy next door.

My parents and his family spent everything they had to give me a mechanical heart.

He knelt at my hospital bed, trembling as he said,

Davi, from this day on I'll be your heart on the outside. I'll never let anyone hurt you, not even a little.

Then, the night before our wedding, Darrell James pressed my heart's pause button for the sixth time, just so he could go to a bachelor party with his girl friends.

"Davina Taylor, since you can't think straight while your heart's beating, then let's just stop it for a while."

With that, he walked out the door without a backward glance, and left my weak, empty body crumpled on the floor.

With the last of my strength, I gave a bitter smile and sent a message to someone else.

"Paused for the sixth time. I don't have a chance left."

"I agree to let you take me to the Arctic. Give my body and my mechanical heart to the research institute for study."

Once the message was sent, I lay flat on the floor, phone still in my hand.

Moving only enough to blink, nothing more.

Over in the wedding-prep group chat.

Melissa Finch tagged me.

"Davi, why aren't you coming to Darrell's bachelor party to have some fun with us?"

"He's gone completely wild, insisting I play strip rock-paper-scissors with him, lose a round and lose a piece of clothing."

"I'm game, I'll strip if I lose, but now he won't let me. Come rein him in, would you?"

The moment my finger touched the screen, I saw Darrell's reply.

"Christ, Melissa, could you have a little sense of danger like a woman should?"

"Those guys are practically drooling over you, and you still want to strip? You're out of your damn mind!"

By then, my mechanical heart had stopped beating for a good while, and yet, for no reason I could name, I felt the pain of it.

I thought of the gathering where Darrell first introduced me to Melissa.

Melissa had eagerly suggested everyone play that game, strip rock-paper-scissors, one round lost, one piece off.

It was my first time in a bar, that place thick with smoke, the speakers pounding.

I was nervous, and lost three rounds in a row.

Darrell peeled off my clothes for me each time.

By the fourth round, Melissa got angry. She grabbed the whiskey bottle and downed the liquor inside in one go.

Then she jabbed a finger at Darrell, furious.

"You want to show off your love, take it home. I'm trying to play a game here, and you keep meddling. What's your problem?"

"Fine, I'm done, I'm done. This is a headache."

With that, Melissa swayed to her feet, drunk, and stumbled toward the exit, straight into the arms of a man walking by.

He caught her with a nasty grin, tipping her chin up with one finger.

Melissa frowned and spat in his face, told him to get lost.

That set the man off. He clamped an arm around her and started hauling her out of the bar.

Seeing that, Darrell couldn't sit still any longer.

He got up, wrenched Melissa back, and threw two punches that sent the man running.

Then he coaxed Melissa, all softness.

"My lady, I'm sorry, okay? I'll make Davina strip right now, we'll follow the rules of the game."

I couldn't take it. I wanted to leave early.

But Darrell easily pressed my mechanical heart's pause button through my dress, and I couldn't move.

Watching me turn into a wooden doll, Melissa was fascinated.

She stopped making a fuss, sat down beside me, ran her hands all over me, studying me carefully for a long while.

Then her eyes darted, and she proposed a new punishment.

"Stripping three pieces really is too hard on your girlfriend. Why not just leave her sitting here alone like this for two hours as her penalty?"

"See whether someone 'picks' her up."

"Darrell, do you dare try this little game with me?"

Hearing something so horrifying laid out as the rules of a game, I couldn't help pleading with my eyes for Darrell to refuse.

But he looked away from me and agreed.

Then Melissa's face changed. She clapped a hand over her mouth and bolted for the bathroom, and Darrell followed without a second thought.

What happened that night is still sharp in my memory. If Lucius Harding hadn't happened to walk by afterward, I don't dare imagine what would have become of me.

Right then, Lucius's reply came through.

"That fast? I saw your posts. Aren't you getting married tomorrow?"

I didn't answer that. I only said it again.

"Have a helicopter ready to pick me up at this address. I can feel my heart breaking apart. You only have twelve hours left."

Once it was sent, I used the voice control to close out of the chat with Lucius.

I saw the messages Darrell had sent.

"How are you? Calmed down yet?"

"I'm almost home. I brought you a late-night snack. I'll restart your heart when I get back and we can eat together."

I didn't reply to him. The pain of the mechanical heart cracking apart stabbed through every organ inside me.

And yet my body was too numb to ease any of it. I could only endure it, raw and whole.

Until Darrell and Melissa pushed the door open, laughing and chatting.

Melissa was already used to the sight of me with the pause button pressed. She didn't bother studying me with curiosity anymore.

She just walked over to me, eyes crinkled with a smile, and pressed the restart button on my heart.

My heart began to beat again. I dragged in mouthful after mouthful of air, forcing feeling back into my limbs.

Once my body came around, I also realized there was a much bigger problem.

I pointed at Darrell in disbelief, my voice shaking as I asked,

"You told Melissa where the button for my mechanical heart is?"

Darrell was crushing lemon slices, and he answered me carelessly.

"Yeah. She was curious, so I told her. It's not a big deal."

It's not a big deal. Those words circled in my head like a curse, repeating in my mouth.

Without my noticing, tears streamed down my face.

Back when this mechanical heart was installed, the doctor told me plainly that the location of the button was a matter of life and death.

So besides my parents, the only person I told was Darrell.

The boy next door who had promised to protect me for the rest of my life.

He had said he would always protect me, that he would always keep the location of that button a secret.

But now he said it wasn't a big deal.

While I was drowning in it, Darrell came over carrying the iced lemon water he'd made.

He handed it to Melissa, who had been on her phone the whole time.

"Still haven't picked? If you ask me, the honeymoon spot we chose before was fine. It's got bungee jumping, surfing, all the extreme stuff you love best."

"You're the one who suddenly had to change it. Who knows what you were thinking."

I thought Darrell was talking to me.

I raised a hand to wipe my tears, clearing my blurred sight.

Then I cut in, confused,

"What honeymoon spot? I haven't been able to do anything thrilling since I was ten.

I don't like extreme sports. Darrell, I don't understand what you're talking about."

At that, Melissa burst out laughing and tipped herself neatly into the crook of Darrell's arm.

"Darrell, you still haven't told Davi?"

Something in my chest seized up, and I kept asking,

"Told me what?"

Darrell gave a helpless little smile and carefully took the softest wool cushion in the house to prop behind Melissa's back.

Only then did he turn and explain, lightly,

"After the wedding tomorrow, Melissa's coming on our honeymoon with us."

"She hardly ever gets time off, so I let her pick where she wanted to go."

"She likes extreme sports."

A ridiculous laugh escaped me. I shot to my feet and stared at the two of them.

"Darrell, so you do still know that tomorrow is our wedding, our honeymoon."

"Why didn't you talk it over with me instead of letting Melissa, an outsider, decide?"

Melissa watched me get worked up, a flicker of irritation in her eyes, but she still stood to soothe me.

"Davi, don't get so upset. Your heart can't handle this kind of stress, can it?"

"Darrell told me he's been protecting you since you were ten. Whatever you can't do, he won't do either."

"He's held back for so long, and it's been so hard on him. I just wanted to help him blow off some steam, so I"

Before she could finish, her face changed and she toppled straight backward.

Crack!

Melissa hit the floor, clutching her red, swollen ankle, and looked up at me with a wince.

"Davina, was that really necessary?"

"I keep telling you, Darrell and I are just close friends, nothing more."

"I only felt bad watching him suffer in silence. Why would you step on the carpet on purpose like that?"

Then she turned to Darrell, whose veins were standing out with rage, and said,

"See, you've gone and twisted my ankle. Darrell, looks like you'll have to go on the honeymoon tomorrow with just her."

I looked down at the rumpled fold in the carpet under my foot and stammered out a denial.

"Darrell, I didn't"

But Darrell wouldn't listen to a word. He picked up the crystal stone from the coffee table and brought it down on both my ankles.

The pain swallowed everything I felt.

Then I heard Darrell say,

"Since Melissa's foot can't make the honeymoon, there's no reason for you to go either."

I watched, half crying and half laughing, as he crouched down and gathered Melissa up, his eyes full of tenderness as he soothed her.

Hurrying her toward the door to rush her to the hospital.

And I thought back to those first years after the mechanical heart was put in, when I still wasn't used to it.

It threw off the way I moved, so my walk came out strange and misshapen, and the kids in the neighborhood would see me,

huddle together on purpose to mimic the way I walked, and burst out laughing.

"Ooh, ooh, look, the walking dead's out for a stroll~"

The walking dead. That was the nickname they gave me.

And every time, Darrell would come charging from every direction to protect me.

His fists made them apologize to me.

He'd shield me, aching for me, sweep me up in his arms and carry me anywhere I wanted to go.

He said,

"Davi's not the walking dead. Davi's the most special girl in the whole world, more special than the Barbie doll on TV."

"For the rest of my life, it's you, Davi. Wherever you want to go, I'll be right behind you."

The vows he made as a boy were so earnest that they only made this moment more of a mockery.

Not long after Darrell and Melissa left,

I sent one last message to the wedding-planning group chat,

"The wedding tomorrow is off. Everyone get some rest and turn off your alarms. Don't come."

The screen filled with question marks in an instant.

Darrell replied right after,

"Davi's just kidding, don't take it to heart. She's throwing a little tantrum with me."

Melissa chimed in too,

"The bride's got cold feet. Please bear with her. I've even got a surprise ready for everyone tomorrow, so make sure you're there on time!"

With the two of them talking, the chat filled back up with laughter and chatter.

I couldn't stand watching it, so I just dissolved the group.

I was the one who'd made the chat in the first place, meant to keep everyone in the loop.

But somewhere along the way it had turned into a place for Darrell and Melissa to flirt and banter.

Once that was done, I saw a new message from Lucius.

"The helicopter's about to land at the pad near your place. You have half an hour to say goodbye to your family."

I looked around at the empty rooms, and I laughed.

"I don't have any family left. Just come."

The message had just gone through.

Darrell came storming back and drove his foot into my legs, the legs I couldn't move, kicking them again and again.

"Davina, I honestly don't get what you think you're doing!"

"First you post that garbage in the group, then you dissolve the whole chat."

"Do you have any idea how excited Melissa is for tomorrow's wedding? Why do you have to make everything a fight with her!"

I pulled up the leg of my pants, looked at the skin already bruised purple, and threw the words back at him.

"My wedding. Why is she the one excited about it."

"I'm the bride. If I want to call it off, what's the problem with that."

Darrell's face went darker and darker as he listened, and staring at how calm my face was, he ground out three fine, fine, fines through his teeth.

Then he crouched down, set his hand next to the button on the mechanical heart again, and let out a scornful laugh.

"Since you won't learn, we'll just keep it paused until the wedding starts."

"I want you to think it through what kind of bride I want tomorrow. If you don't understand, then I'll leave it paused!"

I knew exactly what would happen the moment he pressed the seventh pause.

So I panicked. I begged Darrell not to press it.

"Darrell, you can't press it a seventh time."

"If you do"

Before I could finish, Melissa rolled in on her wheelchair.

She saw the way Darrell was crouched there, and she waved her hands about, giddy, pouting up at him.

"Darrell! Let me do it! This looks so fun! I've never gotten to play a game where you can pause someone's life whenever you want."

"Please, let me do it come on"

Darrell looked at her and gave an indulgent smile, then walked over and pushed her wheelchair to my side.

He looked at me, and handed me over to Melissa like a toy.

"Go ahead. She's yours to play with."

"Play with her however you want from now on. A mechanical heart doesn't break anyway."