Broken Mirrors Don’t Mend

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I, Vivian, reconciled with Matt Thorne five years after our messy breakup. The last time, it hadnt been amicable at all. He announced his new girlfriend the very next day after we ended things.

This time, he pursued me again, and I said yes.

Some say a reformed bad boy is worth more than gold.

Others say a broken mirror can never truly reflect again.

I say, There are only three possibilities for a broken mirror to mend: either there was no mirror to begin with, or it was never truly broken, or it was never truly mended. Guess which one I am?

After we got back together, Matt was better than before, or rather, he cared more. He frequently updated his social media with declarations of love, always tagging me. Years ago, I might have thrilled at such grand public displays. Now, I felt a little flat. After all, I wasnt the first woman to appear on his feed, and perhaps not the last. The same old expressions, the unchanging phrases, the identical sentiments. It was quite uninteresting.

I remember when we first started dating, a simple "I love you" from him could send me into raptures. And his "Lets break up" had kept me awake for nights. I had even prepared to swallow my pride and beg him to take me back, only to wake up the next morning and see his announcement: a photo of intertwined hands against a hotel backdrop.

I cried endlessly, lost weight, suffered insomnia, and my hair fell out. I had practically cried myself dry over that relationship, eventually feeling disoriented. To avoid painful memories, I even gave up a good job Id found locally, leaving my hometown to start afresh alone.

The harshness of that breakup was still vivid, so my friends scoffed at my reconciliation with Matt. Whenever they asked about our progress, they couldnt help but warn me. Dont take it too seriously. In this world, whoever gets serious first loses. Vivian, there are plenty of other fish in the sea! As long as youre happy.

Honestly, I wasnt overthinking it. Perhaps I just have a stubborn streak that won't give up until hitting rock bottom. Regardless, I was walking down this path again, unsure of what lay ahead.

I didnt reply to any of his social media posts, even though Id seen his tags long ago. In my free time, Id even like posts from some gym bros C my feed was full of things that weren't exactly sophisticated. I was careless, thinking I was browsing on a secondary account, so I felt somewhat unrestrained. Until he commented under one of my likes, "Does he have a better body than me?" and then deleted it instantly.

He pretended nothing had happened, maintaining a calm facade, never even mentioning it. He wasnt like this before. He used to dislike me adding other men on social media, he hated it when others chatted me up, and he was always extremely possessive about my male acquaintances. Once, he even threw a fit because someone brought me food, though I insisted it was just a thank-you. He gave me the cold shoulder for days. Later, I understood that men truly know the darker aspects of other men.

But this time, he was surprisingly patient. Though, I suddenly noticed he started spending more time at the gym. He used to go three days a week; this week hed already been five. One weekend afternoon, while I was scrolling through videos, he suddenly walked up behind me, grabbed my hand, and pressed it against his abs. Then he asked, How does that feel?

I smiled. So that was it. He wasn't indifferent; he cared even more, but he'd learned to be discreet, or was willing to change himself to accommodate me. You see, everyone changes in love; it just depends on how much you care. At least, for now, Matt didn't want to break up. That was the signal he was sending me. I reached out, tracing his abs and waistline, and gave a small nod of approval.

Just wondering if its all for show, or if it actually works?

He scooped me up from the balcony and carried me back to the bedroom, disproving my skepticism with his actions.

I woke up early the next day, roused by Matts commotion in the kitchen. Id lived alone for so long, I was no longer used to having an extra person around. And his breakfast, as always, was inedible, which only added to my irritation. He looked at me, a little embarrassed, and smiled. Theyre not very familiar with me yet. Itll be better after I make them a few more times.

Do you understand? He was hinting that he wanted to come over more often. Because last night, Id hesitated about him staying over, only relenting when I realized his pants were dirty and he truly couldnt leave. I said nothing. I was still adapting to us being back together, let alone having another person in my daily life.

I looked at the burnt bacon on the table, and my thoughts drifted. The day before Matt and I broke up, it was also because of a piece of burnt bacon. I had made two servings of bacon and eggs, one for me, one for him. I was new to cooking, so it wasnt very good. His boss ate it and rudely made fun of him. Matt texted me, complaining, Why cant you even do this one small thing right? I dont want to talk to you.

At the time, he was a fresh intern, and new graduates often felt a natural reverence and desire to please their superiors. I understood hed be upset after being publicly ridiculed. I could even accept him not answering my calls all day. It was only when I heard nothing from him all night that I started to panic. He wasnt a very mature person; he often acted like a difficult little boy around me, but he hated silent treatments. So, then, I wasnt worried about his anger, but his safety.

At three in the morning, he replied: Lets break up. No name, no reason, a sudden, out-of-the-blue breakup. Looking back at the messages from just the day before, it read:

Vivian, my boss praised me! Ill take you out for a nice meal later!

Love you, love you! I literally cant live without you!

Hehehehe, Im awesome, right?

How did I feel then? Saying the sky fell wouldnt be an exaggeration, because I was so, so deeply in love with him. I was still caught in the throes of new love, and at the moment of the breakup, I couldnt even make any other expression besides bewildered emptiness. That day, I stared out the window, recalling our three years together. I firmly believed that being loved wasnt an illusion. There must have been some misunderstanding I hadnt noticed.

As the sun burst over the horizon, I resolved to salvage the relationship. I spent the entire night convincing myself not to regret not trying harder. I drafted long speeches in my head, thought of countless apology templates, and even swore Id never eat bacon again. But just before I left the house, I scrolled through his social media. A photo of intertwined hands against a hotel backdrop, with my initials still clearly visible on his wrist. The caption read: New beginnings.

I thanked my own hesitation, for not adding more fodder for laughter to his new chapter.

I tossed the bacon in the bin. He quickly interjected, I was just about to throw it away. Burnt food isnt good for you, after all. Seeing his cautious demeanor was like looking in a mirror; I saw my past self through him now. Was he as unperturbed then as I was now? I looked at him and smiled, saying, No, I dont eat bacon anymore. It makes me sick, and I feel unwell all day.

He pressed his lips together, his eyes and voice already tinged with melancholy when he spoke. I knew that both of us were recalling that burnt bacon from before our breakup. It was no longer just a piece of bacon. For me, it symbolized loss, being broken up with, and abandonment.

I watched him stalk into the kitchen, almost defiantly, and dump the entire bag of bacon hed just bought into the trash. Then, he had to save face with, Right, cured meats arent good for you if you eat too much. I simply gave him an enigmatic smile.

After working in my room for half the day, I came out near noon to find Matt gone. He had ordered food and thoughtfully transferred it from the takeout boxes to plates. A cute sticky note was attached: You were too focused on work, so I didnt disturb you. No need to wash up after eating, Ill be over tonight.

Over again tonight? He was certainly persistent. I picked up the sticky note, took a photo, and casually tossed it into the trash. As the paper dropped into the bin, I suddenly remembered how enthusiastic I used to be about collecting such small tokens of love. I had a notebook filled with excerpts of all the messages wed exchanged, tucked between countless notes and letters hed written me, and various pressed leaves. I cherished them as proof of his affection. Later, they became instruments of my torment after the breakup, until I finally burned them myself.

Around noon, as I was doing the dishes, Matt texted me, asking if I had eaten. It was then that I realized I hadn't sent him that photo. I dried my hands, found the picture, and clicked send: "Just ate, thanks for the lovely lunch."

He called me immediately, his tone plaintive. "Forgetting about me because you were busy this morning is one thing, but how could you forget to share with me when you were eating food I prepared?"

"You prepared it?" He laughed. "I ordered the takeout and plated it myself. How is that not 'prepared by me'? Just you wait. Tonight, I have to come over and prepare a feast for you." I was thinking of how to refuse, as I still felt like I hadn't fully adjusted to his frequent intrusion into my life. He suddenly remembered something and asked, "Are you busy tonight? Aaron and the guys want to have dinner with you."

Aaron was Matt's college roommate. We used to be quite close; after all, we'd been together for so long. But after breaking up with Matt, I'd cut off contact with everyone connected to him. I was silent for a while, and Matt, thinking I didn't want to go, quickly added, "Hmm, if it's inconvenient, never mind. We'll find another time to get together."

"Tonight is fine. I'm free. Text me the place."

"Okay, I won't text you. I'll pick you up. I'll be downstairs around 5:30."

At 5:10, I saw his car parked downstairs. He had the window down, smoking, his profile not looking much different from a few years ago. The only difference was that since wed reconciled, he hadnt smoked in front of me. I was already ready, but I still sat on the sofa until 5:40 before heading down. The moment he saw me, he immediately extinguished his cigarette. I noticed the empty pack on his dashboard. He hastily explained, I forgot to check the time. I just thought Id have a couple of puffs.

I asked him, Why didnt you call when you arrived early?

Once, I came to pick you up early, and you saw me from upstairs. You bounced down the stairs like a little rabbit, so surprised and happy. He said this, glanced at me, then continued, I thought it might happen again today.

Oh, he knew Id seen him from the window. Since getting back together, this was the first time I felt that we were constantly playing a game. Probing, hesitating, strategizingthese were the unavoidable challenges of love.

Im twenty-nine now. Am I still expected to act like an immature young girl? He mumbled a subtle assent, slowly steering the car forward, his expression unreadable.

Besides Aaron, Ben was also there, another one of Matts college roommates. Everyone was very enthusiastic upon seeing me, as if the five years of no contact between us simply didnt exist. Matts face flushed easily when he drank, and after two beers, his face was bright red, but his hand never let go of mine. Aaron teased him, Dude, youre even eating with your left hand. Are you going to starve yourself? What, scared Vivian will run off?

Ben chimed in, Relax, man, everyone knows Vivian was crazy about you. When you two broke up, she camped outside our dorm for days. When she couldnt find you, she came looking for us. I was actually scared of getting cornered by her. Yes, that first week after the sudden breakup was the hardest. When I couldnt find Matt, I started harassing his roommates, desperately asking if hed been back, or who he was getting close to. It was nearing college graduation, and everyone was swamped with job hunting, yet they had to put up with my harassment. Looking back, it was pretty pathetic.

I picked up a glass of wine from the table and raised it to the two across from me. Just youthful foolishness, gentlemen. Please bear with me, and dont be angry. I chugged the wine in one go, astonishing the three men at the table.

Throughout the meal, Aaron and Ben kept repeating the same old lines. Matt, it wasnt easy for you and Vivian to get back together. You really need to cherish her and not make any more mistakes, because not everyone gets a second chance. Come on, lets toast to true lovers ending up together. Its so great, its really great that you two are back together.

When the evening ended, I dropped Matt off at his place. I stood at the door without going in. I have plans tomorrow, so Im leaving now. Will you be okay by yourself?

He asked me, If I said I didnt want to be alone, would you stay with me?

I looked at him, saying nothing. He gave a self-deprecating laugh. Just before we left, they all said youve changed a lot, completely different from before. I originally wanted to argue, but looking at you now, I realize I have no defense. Vivian, youve changed.

Yes, of course Id changed. Who could remain unchanged in the river of time? Appearance, personality, values C which of these isnt shaped by the crucible of experience? Hadnt he changed too?

He hugged me for a long time without speaking. Just as I started to feel tired and tried to push him away, I felt something warm trickle into the hollow of my neck. Matt murmured in my ear, Youve changed is it because of her? Which 'he'? Or 'her'?