After You Destroyed Me, I Chose to Live

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Valentine's Day. We were almost next in line at the courthouse when Ray Henson opened his mouth.

The night of the graduation party, after the SATs? That was your best friend's first time, too.

You were exhausted from the first half of the night with me. She came to find me after you fell asleep. I couldn't stop myself.

She was in so much pain she almost cried, but she bit through her lip so you wouldn't hear and get hurt.

I stood frozen, my hand drifting up to touch the white veil on my head.

That morning, before I left, Carissa had placed the handmade veil on me with tears in her eyes, wishing me a lifetime of happiness.

And last night, when we told you the kitchen smelled too strong and you shouldn't come in? We were in there together.

At dinner, you saw how red her eyes were. You thought the cooking fumes got to her. You felt sorry for her for the rest of the meal.

He held up the marriage registration papers as he spoke, his tone flat.

Whether we go through with this or not, it's up to you.

The couple ahead of us was finishing their paperwork. The couple behind us was deciding where to honeymoon.

And I was standing there, unable to move, all the blood in my body rushing to my skull, my ears ringing.

Carissa Butler was my best friend. When we were thirteen, a man followed her into an alley. I was the one who ran in after her.

I got stabbed six times. Three months in the hospital. Missed the SATs entirely.

Carissa chose to retake the year with me without a second of hesitation. She stayed by my side.

After that, we only grew closer. We treated each other like family.

I never imagined she would be the one to betray me.

A long time passed before I could raise my eyes to Ray. My voice came out scraped raw.

Then why did you have to tell me now?

Why, at the closest I had ever been to happiness, did he have to shatter everything.

Ray looked at my red-rimmed eyes and had the nerve to look relieved.

Because I can't lose Carissa.

She said if I went through with this, she'd leave. For good. Never come back.

She said she couldn't be with me and keep thinking about you and feeling guilty.

When he talked about Carissa, his whole expression softened with barely concealed tenderness and love.

Just days ago, he had been carefully picking out what to wear today, planning how to announce it online for everyone to see.

I teased him about it, and he pulled me into his arms, voice thick with emotion.

Alice Garner, how could I not be happy? Marrying you has been my dream since I was a teenager.

Now that the dream was about to come true, he was telling me he'd been with my best friend all along. Whether we registered or not was up to me.

I forced the corners of my mouth to move and stepped out of line without a word.

The moment I did, something flickered in Ray's eyes. Panic. His hand shot out and locked around my wrist.

Alice, if you still want to register, I'll do it. I'll still go through with it.

I'll talk to Carissa afterward

I whipped around and tore the veil off my head, throwing it at him.

Ray Henson, do you have any idea how disgusting you are?

I didn't care who was watching. I ran for the door.

Tears blurred everything. My chest felt like it was being torn apart with bare hands.

And I ran straight into Carissa Butler, who was supposed to have left already.

The second she saw the tears on my face, she did what she always did. She pulled me behind her and turned on Ray, voice sharp with anger.

What did you do? It's your registration day. Why is Alice sobbing like this?

Then she turned back to me, her hand rising gently to wipe my tears, her voice as soft as it had always been.

It's okay, Alice. Don't be scared. I'm here. No one's going to hurt you.

But I could already see the red marks on her neck, and every few seconds I caught the scent of Ray's cologne on her skin, and the pressure in my chest was so suffocating I could barely breathe.

Around graduation, Carissa had gushed to me about making progress with the guy she liked.

I kept pressing her for a name, but she hemmed and hawed, refusing to say.

Back then I assumed she was just being shy. Besides, she and Ray had never gotten along, so the thought never even crossed my mind.

When college acceptances came out, both of them missed their top choices and ended up at the same university.

Carissa appointed herself the guardian of my relationship with Ray, reporting his every move to me daily.

What he ate, what he did, who he talked to.

Whether any girls showed up on his social media, how many love letters he received, and how he coolly told every one of them that his girlfriend's name was Alice Garner.

She even told me what color underwear he was wearing on any given day.

I had been living inside the illusion the two of them built for me, grateful to have found two people who loved me so deeply.

Now, thinking it over, what kind of person pays that much attention to her best friend's boyfriend?

A dull ache pressed against my chest. My voice came out laced with venom.

But what if the person hurting me is you?

Carissa blinked, then laughed.

Alice, what are you talking about? I would never hurt you.

Any other time, I would have believed her.

But this time, I caught the flash of panic across her face.

My nose burned. I let the bitterness spill out.

Sleeping with my man doesn't count as hurting me?

If you wanted him, you should have just said so.

Why did you have to do something so cheap and disgusting?

She stared at me, stunned, then glanced at Ray standing in front of her. Her voice shook.

Alice, listen to me, I didn't mean to

Rage tore through me before I could think, and by the time I registered what I'd done, her head had already snapped to the side from my slap.

I don't want to hear it, you homewrecker!

Ray rushed forward and shoved me hard by the shoulders.

Alice, touch her again and see what happens!

Ray, why did you push her?!

Carissa's eyes were rimmed red, her voice choked as she scolded him.

She hurried over to check on me.

Alice, where did you fall? Let me see, okay?

Ray grabbed her wrist and pulled her back, his tone dripping with frustration.

Carissa, when are you going to start looking out for yourself?

She just hit you and you're still fussing over her?

Carissa yanked her hand free, face full of fury.

Shut up. You know Alice's health is fragile!

Did you really have to tell her all that today, of all days?

Ray, is there something wrong with your head?!

I sat crumpled on the ground, watching the two of them fight over me.

The feeling was nothing like all those years before.

Back then, they fought for me.

Now, they fought because of me.

The scraped skin on my palm stung in waves, but it was nothing compared to one ten-thousandth of the pain in my chest.

I pulled myself up slowly, wiped the tears off my face, and turned to leave.

I barely made it a few steps before voices called out from the side.

Alice? Long time no see!

Are you here for Ray and Carissa's marriage registration?

It's been years since graduation and the three of you are still so close. That's honestly so sweet.

I looked up at the sound and recognized a few old classmates. Their words sank in slowly, and I frowned.

What did you just say?

Come on, you still don't know? Ray and your best friend Carissa have been together forever.

I went to the storage room to grab something for a teacher once and walked in on them kissing. Ray even paid me five hundred bucks to keep my mouth shut.

Oh, and Ray changed his college application at the last minute so he could go to the same school as Carissa.

Those four years, the two of them were basically the golden couple on campus.

She pulled up their joint account and showed it to me, the one where they'd documented their relationship.

Look at this. Jealous yet? You should find someone of your own instead of being a third wheel all the time.

Four years. Over a thousand posts.

Every video, every photo, the way they looked at each other only growing fonder with time.

All those important moments Ray had canceled on me, one after another, he'd been spending them with Carissa.

He kept her in the open, lavishing her with affection for the whole world to see.

And me? I was the one who didn't belong.

Something inside my chest tore wide open, and the pain was so fierce I couldn't breathe.

Back then, I'd been naive enough to believe Ray really had missed his target score, that it was just bad luck he didn't get into the same university as me.

But now, thinking back to the gap between our scores, he could have easily gotten in. He chose not to.

Carissa caught up to us and saw the screen. She rushed to explain.

Alice, don't overthink this. Ray and I got photographed once and it went a little viral, so I

Carissa, drop the act.

If I'd known you were this shameless, I never should have saved you. I should have let you die there!

My eyes were bloodshot. The words ripped out of me in a scream.

Carissa flinched like I'd struck her. Her mouth opened, then closed. Tears streaming down her face, she flagged a cab and left.

Ray's brow furrowed hard, his expression darkening in an instant, voice thick with disgust.

Alice, when did you become this vicious?

Just because you saved Carissa once, she has to give in to you on everything? Hand over everything she has?

Do you have any idea how hard these years have been for her?

His words lodged in my throat like wet cotton, bitter and suffocating.

He could see everything Carissa did. He couldn't see a single thing I'd endured.

He tossed my bag back at me.

I'm going to check on Carissa. Get yourself home.

I watched him walk away without looking back, and something in me finally gave. I crouched on the curb and wailed.

I cried until I couldn't feel my hands or feet, hyperventilating so badly that everything went black.

When I came to, I was in a hospital.

No one beside me. Not a single message on my phone.

I thought of my mom waiting for me at home and got up to pay the bill at the front desk.

But the doctor walked in first and handed me a lab report.

Ms. Garner, congratulations. You're pregnant.

The pregnancy is still very early, and given that your overall health isn't the strongest, you'll need to rest and keep up with your checkups.

You can't let your emotions run this high. What happened to you today wasn't good for you or the baby.

I took the paper with trembling hands. My voice barely made it past my throat.

You're saying I'm pregnant?

Are you sure there's no mistake?

I was injured before I turned eighteen. The doctors told me back then that my chances of conceiving were almost nonexistent.

The doctor was a kind, older woman. She smiled gently as she reassured me.

Almost nonexistent isn't impossible. Try not to overthink it. Just take good care of yourself.

I sat on the hospital bed, one hand pressed against my still-flat stomach, crying and laughing at the same time.

Why did you have to come now, of all times?

I'd barely stepped out of the hospital, hadn't even had time to hail a cab, when Ray came storming toward me.

Before I could say a word, he grabbed me and shoved me into the car, rough and wordless.

The car tore through the streets and pulled up in front of a private hospital.

My heart dropped like a stone. Dread flooded through me, and my eyes burned red in an instant.

Ray, why did you bring me here?

He slammed the car door shut, dragged me out of the passenger seat, and shoved me forward.

I wrenched free with everything I had and stumbled back a few steps, my voice shaking so badly the words barely held together.

Ray, what are you doing?

Ray spun around. His eyes were bloodshot, veins standing out on his forehead, his voice raw.

Do you have any idea what you did? Those things you said at the courthouse today sent Carissa over the edge. She ran straight to the alley where you two were attacked, and that animal had just gotten out of prison!

If I hadn't gotten there in time, she'd be dead!

Is that what you wanted? Would that make you happy?!

He stared at me, unblinking, like I was the one on trial.

Come on. You're giving blood.

I hadn't even processed what he'd said before he grabbed my wrist and started pulling me toward the blood draw room.

Carissa lost too much blood. The hospital's blood bank is running out, and your blood type matches hers. You have to donate.

My mind went white. I clamped down on his hand and the words tore out of me.

Ray, I can't give her blood.

Ray stopped. His brow furrowed, and his voice was threaded with exhaustion he couldn't hide.

Alice, I know you're upset about me and Carissa, but this isn't the time. Can you stop being so selfish?

I'm pregnant!

I screamed it, cutting him off. My eyes burned with tears I refused to let fall.

Ray, I'm carrying your child! How am I supposed to give her blood?!

Something flickered in his eyes, a split second of hesitation, before it went cold again. His voice was flat and certain.

That's impossible.

The doctor said during our prenuptial physical that your chances of conceiving were almost zero.

And this baby just happens to show up now, of all times.

The disappointment in his eyes deepened.

Alice, you're really something. Carissa is your best friend.

The doctor beside us spoke up, keeping his voice low.

Mr. Henson, per medical protocol, a pregnant woman cannot donate blood to a patient.

To be safe, we should run a pregnancy test on her first.

Ray cut him off, his voice like a blade.

No need. She's faking it. Whatever happens, I'll take responsibility.

He lifted me off the ground and carried me toward the blood draw room.

My pupils shrank. My whole body went cold, as if I'd been dropped into a frozen lake.

For years, because of how unlikely it was that I'd conceive, Ray had never once used protection.

Whenever I worried about an accident, he'd pull me close and murmur against my hair.

Alice, if it really happens, we'll keep it. I promise I'll be a good husband and a good father.

And now, for Carissa, he'd betrayed me and was sacrificing our child.

No matter how hard I struggled, how hard I cried, the dark red blood still drained out of me.

Tears slid down my face. I looked at Ray through blurred, reddened eyes, nothing left inside me but despair.

I hate you. I will never forgive you for as long as I live.

Pain flashed across his eyes. He reached for me, but the doctor behind him spoke first.

Mr. Henson, Ms. Butler is out of danger!

And she's pregnant!

Ray didn't hesitate. He turned and ran out without looking at me again.

I lay on the hospital bed and forced a bitter smile.

Fighting through the weakness in my body, I braced myself against the wall and left the hospital one step at a time.

When I got home, Mom was in the living room, cutting down the red paper decorations from our wedding.

The moment she saw me walk in, her eyes lit up, her smile so wide it could barely be contained.

You're back! Was it crowded at the courthouse today?

Her gaze swept past me, scanning the doorway.

Where's Ray? How come he didn't come back with you?

I swallowed the bitterness rising in my throat, nails digging into my palms, and forced a smile.

It was pretty busy. After we finished the registration, we stopped by to confirm the wedding dress and the venue, so we got back late.

He had something come up at the office, so he couldn't make it over.

Mom, I'm exhausted. I'm going to lie down for a bit.

I stepped into my room and saw the wall of photographs.

Every one of them marked a moment that had mattered.

There was the first photo Ray and I ever took together, the day we made it official. We were still in our school uniforms, barely more than kids.

There was the day I introduced him to Carissa for the first time, proudly calling him my boyfriend.

There was a shot from one of my competitions, the two of them holding up cameras, posing with me onstage.

And there were the crystal heels Ray gave me on my eighteenth birthday.

He told me that once I wore his glass slippers, I'd be his princess forever, and he'd be my knight for the rest of our lives.

Nothing would ever come between us.

Now every single one of those words was a knife buried in my chest.

A sharp cramp tore through my lower abdomen. I rushed to the bathroom and found blood.

Tears fell before I could stop them. I leaned against the door and stayed there for a long time, thinking.

Maybe this baby was never meant to come.

I pulled out my phone to book a doctor's appointment, but my mother's voice cut through the door, furious and shaking.

What are you doing?!

How could you do this to Alice?!

I bolted out of the room. Ray was kissing Carissa. She was sitting in a wheelchair in our living room, and he was kissing her.

At the sound of my mother's voice, Carissa shoved Ray away, stumbled to her feet, and started stammering.

Mrs. Garner, please, let me explain. It's not what you think!

My mother was shaking from head to toe. She screamed.

Carissa Butler, when that man nearly assaulted you, it was my Alice who saved your life!

And after that, when I found out how bad things were at your house, I'd rather go without than ask you for a single thing!

And this is how you repay us? By stabbing my daughter in the back?!

I rushed forward to steady my mother, then grabbed the cup off the table and hurled it straight at Ray.

Ray Henson, take her and get the hell out of my house!

You two can humiliate me all you want, but don't you dare upset my mother!

The cup struck Ray's head. Blood slid down from his temple instantly.

Glass shattered across the floor, but Ray didn't even flinch. Eyes red, he dropped to his knees in front of my mother, his voice steady and absolute.

Mrs. Garner, I know you're angry, but I have to say this.

Carissa is carrying my child. I can't abandon her to marry Alice.

Even if I do marry Alice, it has to wait until Carissa has recovered and safely delivered the baby.

My mother's chest heaved violently. Her finger trembled as she pointed at him.

You were the one who begged to marry my daughter. You swore you'd protect her for the rest of her life, you animal!

I was about to get up and throw them both out when Carissa burst into tears.

Ray, what are you saying?!

I'm not keeping this baby! We've already done enough wrong. We can't keep hurting Alice!

My mother's eyes went bloodshot. She grabbed the cup of water and flung it into Carissa's face.

So you know you're wrong! And you still had the nerve to show up in my house?!

The next second, Ray stepped in front of Carissa and shoved my mother hard.

Mrs. Garner, if you're angry, take it out on me. Don't hurt Carissa!

My mother hit the ground. She didn't get up.

I screamed, holding my mother, shaking her, calling her name over and over. I looked at Ray.

Ray! Call an ambulance!

But Ray was already carrying Carissa, her face white as paper, striding toward the door. He tossed back a single sentence without turning around.

Carissa just woke up and came here to apologize, and this is how you and your mother treat her? You're so capable. Handle it yourself.

There was no time for grief. I grabbed my phone and called 911.

Then I started chest compressions and rescue breaths on my mother.

I didn't know how long it took before the paramedics finally arrived. After the examination, the doctor looked at me with quiet regret.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I stared at my mother's lifeless face, unable to process what I was hearing, and then a raw, shredded wail tore out of me.

The pregnant woman is hemorrhaging! Get her into surgery, now!

When I came out of the operating room, my belly was empty.

I ignored the pain racking my body, took my mother's ashes in my arms, and walked into the sea where Ray had once proposed to me.

At a private hospital across town, Ray was spooning soup for Carissa when a sharp pain lanced through his chest.

The next second, the smartwatch on his wrist, still linked to mine, screamed with an alarm.